Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Geekin Presents: Your Horror-Scopes - April


I'm sick and tired of all these ego stroking sorry excuses for horoscopes that I see everywhere! Not everyone can be having a great day! What you do today won't help the world! It's time to face the gritty reality of the world, so I shall now present your horror-scopes!

GEEKIN'S APRIL HORROR-SCOPES

Aquarius
(January 20 - February 18)
About You:
You think that you are a necessary provider – bearer of water. Maybe not everyone wants the water you’re peddling! You can’t just force yourself and your so called help onto people and if they refuse it they are not jerks for doing so! Maybe you should try to help yourself to not be such a needy A-Hole!  

This Month:
You are smothering someone and they're getting sick of it. It might not blow up this month but at this rate it will soon!


 
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
About You: 
You like to believe you go with the flow and don’t make waves. Maybe the truth is you are just indecisive and weak! You know what else travels with the current? Garbage and dead things! Do you really want to live your life like a piece of trash or a corpse? Keep getting swept up and you make it easy for a predator to catch you, so try not to get eaten by a bear!

This Month:
That person you've been allowing to walk all over you is going to take advantage of that and really dig their heels into your back. Knowing you you'll probably just let it happen.



Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

About You:
Do you really have to butt heads with everyone? Just because people have started to agree with you it doesn’t mean you’re right, they are just sick of having to deal with the bruises your thick skull leaves! It’s great to have strong ideas but you’re not the only one who does! Stop trying to shove your beliefs down everyone’s throat so they start enjoying your company. If you keep up this ramming on the edge of the cliff you’re bound to send someone you care about off it!

This Month:
Yes he/she hates you and no he/she probably won't forgive you for what you did! A simple apology is not enough to make things better this time!


Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
About You:
It probably doesn’t matter what this says because you’re too bull headed to listen to anybody’s advice. By the way, what’s it like to be so full of BS? It’s not tough to listen to others ideas and you shouldn’t let them always make you see red! It’s a lot harder to do your trampling when it’s a stampede of one!

This Month:
That lie you told will come back to haunt you. More lying is just going to make things worse, and not just with the person you lied to.

 
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
About You:
The truth is that you are constantly split down the middle, and some might even say you are two-faced. You keep flipping back and forth and can’t make decisions. Stop making everybody else make all the tough choices and take a little responsibility for your life! Oh, just FYI, there are a lot of people who think twins are creepy!

This Month:
You know what you've done... jerk!


Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
About You:
You are grouchy and boring and you worry too much! You make people around you miserable then you act like you are the only one who can snap them out of it. Just because you call what you do nurturing doesn’t mean it’s not just pathetic overbearing smothering. Hey you gloomy crab there is a whole world out there, why don’t you stop trying to suck the life out of it?

This Month:
That person you think hates you, you're right, they do!


Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
About You:
Sure fiery and wild sound like fun but what that really means is short tempered and out of control! It’s hard to spend much time with you without people fearing for their lives. Stability is not a bad word and peace has some perks. Maybe you should stop attacking, this is not the jungle and you are not really a lion!

This Month:
Stop being such a bully to that guy! Sure it's easy but that doesn't make it right and there's no way it will turn out the way you want it to.


Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)

About You:
You have somehow managed to convince yourself that you are always virtuous. You never take responsibility for your actions and will place blame on anyone or anything that happens to cross your path. You get caught with crumbs on your face and your hand stuck in the cookie jar and claim innocence. If you hurt other people, and you do so way too often, you always tell yourself they deserve it. Just because you have convinced yourself of the lie doesn’t make it true and it doesn’t make the pain you cause hurt people any less. Stop playing the purity card and admit that sometimes you get your hands dirty!

This Month:
You might want to go on vacation because one of those people you hurt is looking to get their revenge!


Libra
(September 23 - October 22)

About You:
There are benefits to stability but you are just rigid and stiff. You believe in only one way and deceive yourself into thinking that way is right. You may call it balance but that doesn’t make it fair. You live in constant fear of tipping the scales because you can’t handle surprises. You’d be happiest if you could live your life in a bubble protected from the outside world and if you could you’d force the rest of the world in bubbles too. Lighten up and let things fall where they may because your way is certainly not the only way and likely isn’t the best way!
This Month:
Sometimes paranoia is warranted but just FYI the one who is out to get you is not the person you think it is.


Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)

About You:
The thing about scorpions is that they are vicious and deadly! One minute you think everything is fine and the next oh crap a scorpion stung me… and now I’m dead! That means when people see a scorpion they either run away or try to kill it! Maybe you’d have an easier time if you didn’t make people feel that way. It’s never good to be poison to the people you care about!

This Month:
You might as well just start every conversation with I'm sorry because you're bound to piss off a whole lot of people.


Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)

About You:
Hey douche, stop pointing those arrows at everybody! If you were following a straight path you wouldn’t need to shoot everybody in your way. Sure, if you keep on shooting you’re bound to eventually hit what you want, but there is collateral damage you need to be concerned with. Just because you can shoot an arrow doesn’t mean you are a good archer!

This Month:
You will try to do something, get bored, and not see it through. You could change this future and actually see it through... Oooh a butterfly!


Capricorn
(December 22 - January 19)

About You:
Let’s just put it bluntly, you are a freak! I mean who looks at a goat and says hey we could totally improve on that by giving it the tail of a fish? First you have the goat, an animal with no discretion, think about it, goats will eat anything and then spend the day whining at you. How is a stinky fish tail an improvement on that? This means that you spend your day thrashing around eating all the crap you come into contact with. You are certainly no mermaid, more like a science experiment gone wrong! No wonder people avoid you, weirdo!

This Month:
You'll spend a lot of time being bored and boring.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I Hate Music!

I'm not the kind of guy to take a stand on things that do not directly impact me. Usually I am happy just to sit in my dungeon and plot my overthrow of Geek World, but recently I found a reason to speak out! I have been bitch slapped into reality and jarred into the realization that TV morning shows are out to get us. At first I just thought that they were so out of touch, that their so-called "reporters" and "researchers" didn't understand what their jobs were and should be stripped of those undeserved titles, that there was so little integrity in media these days, that they were unintentionally helping to encourage hostility among youth and helping to drive the general public insane! I believed that the mainstream media was so out of touch that in their pathetic attempt to keep up with blog culture they displayed a complete misunderstanding of what YouTube views and iTunes downloads really mean. But then it hit me, perhaps there is something much darker at work here. Perhaps this is not just a bunch of old dudes fearful of losing their jobs to the recently pop-culturally informed whipper-snappers and wanting so badly to find some sort of metaphorical fountain of youth that they fill morning television with brainless banter about things they don't understand. Maybe it's all part of a greater scheme, they seek to make us all dumber so that we will stop trying to keep up with things like technological trends and social media experiences.

There is a horror of epic proportions that invaded the internet last week. It is a video for a horrible "song" called "Friday" by a possibly sweet but utterly untalented and dilusional girl named Rebecca Black. Normally I would have thought this to be an attack thrust upon me by AnnaMay and Dave but I came to find out that even beasts like them are affected by this cancer. I came to recognize that this Rebecca Black thing is likely not even a real girl but a defective robot a la Vicky from Small Wonder sent on a mission to destroy us but unable to complete said mission because every time she says the word "fun" her circuits short out and she is sent into a loop! Every thing about this situation is disturbing and knowing that I may have to join forces with the geeky duo to take down this menace sends shivers up my spine. In fact I must now do something I never thought I'd do and agree with Geek World's AnnaMay, this is not Rebecca Black's "Friday" it's Rebecca "Black Friday"! I will allow you all to feel the pain:



I'll let you take a minute to deal with the emotional ramifications of what you just watched...

OK, now that you've had some time to recover let's talk about this "music" video that we all wish had just been a parody. First off the lyrics are an epic FAIL and would be for anyone of any age! Why is she just listing off what she does in the morning? Why did the video have to point out the improper grammar? We we we we we so NOT excited! This must be part of the plan to make us all dumber by encouraging us not to speak proper English. It's not like we're is a one syllable word, oh wait it is! Also isn't it kind of bitchy of her to force one of her friends who is already riding in the car to move so little princess Rebecca can have whatever spot she wants? And what is up with the creepy pedo-like guy driving down the road rapping out the window to young teenage girls about partyin? Hey parents, if you've ever wondered about the dangers your children face I'm pretty sure guys like this are one of them, that and the autotuned robot singing and keeping you mesmerized while your brain cells are attacked and slaughtered. I'm sure there are plenty of other questions we can ask but this post is not about the silly musings of an unexceptional young girl.

So let's talk about sad TV shows like Good Morning America that treat this girl like she is the next music superstar in their plot to ensure that your brains turn to an oatmeal like mush so you will be little more than a drooling mess forced to stay tuned in because you no longer have enough brain power to remember how to change the channel. Rebecca Black's quick rise to fame can best be equated to the likes of Star Wars Kid, the Numa Numa Guy or the Dramatic Prairie Dog! Do we talk about those YouTube sensations like they should be given a movie deal? No, of course not, because everybody realized that we were watching these to mock them, they made us laugh, we watched them over and over but we all knew what made their videos hits was not displays of talent. On the other hand these videos were truly entertaining and would probably not have had the same mind-numbing effect as "Friday" thus could not be used in the media industry's nefarious plot.

It's disturbing that the "reporters" working for GMA couldn't be bothered to take even a moment to read the comments people were making about the video before treating her like a bona fide talent. They tried to convince the audience that she deserved the fame. They tried to make watchers believe that anybody posting negative reviews were nothing more than bullies (not just the people who watched the video and became so incensed that they lamented their wishes for pain to come to the singer but everyone who could possibly think that she lacked talent). There was no critical look at the work, sure she's 13 but that doesn't mean we should just accept drivel and not feel free to critique it for the trash it is. This is just further proof that the plan to destroy our brains has been put into action. When it comes to shows like GMA they may not officially be news but they still have a responsibility to their viewers to present things like "Friday" in the proper context. If they were not prepared to treat the young "singer" like the joke that the entire internet world knew she was they should not have had her as a guest on the show. Of course if they had admitted the truth about her and her music then people may have started to suspect the darker motives that were at play. Viewers may have started to realize that GMA wants us to keep watching this so that we are too stupid to function.

There are a few people that post comments defending the young singer but the defense tends to be limited to things like 'I saw here on GMA and she was able to hold a tune'. Unfortunately this just proves that there is no defense for this song. I am disappointed in all those "news" outlets that are so out of touch they don't understand the difference between a video finding popularity because the star is a true talent and a video featuring somebody who is nothing more than a joke! Fodder for people to mock and laugh at and pay attention to for a few moments and gladly forget about a week later, but you monsters that try and pass yourself off as respectable sources of news and entertainment want us to believe that this should be taken seriously because you couldn't be bothered to read the comments posted below the video. Or at least to have recognized the obvious plot to melt our minds. I am angry that you are allowing this travesty to continue. It would have only taken you a moment to realize that "Friday" was being watched and re-watched and passed along not because people are so excited for some hot new recording artist but instead the audience was confounded that this video was ever made and some were even angry that there was a place showcasing garbage when there are plenty of poor artists with real talent out there that can't afford to have their work produced. I am making sure the truth gets out there and that people know what you are trying to do. This conspiracy to control us by turning us all into mindless drones will not be successful! I will make sure of it even if that means using my powers to work with the disgusting slime known as Geek World to keep the people of the world safe.

But in the end there will always be some of you out there that will believe the negativity is just haters jealous that they don't have millions of viewers, after all if she has that many hits on YouTube she must actually be talented. So If you think she's worthy sensation then have I got something to show you! Tucker is a talent that surpasses even that of Rebecca Black! Not only does he sing but he plays piano too! Enjoy!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Back From My Quest for a Mythical Horned Beast



I have finally returned from the seemingly unending quest that was forced upon me by the ever-evil AnnaMay & Dave! They insisted that there had been unicorn sightings and informed me that it was my job to find out the validity of these claims. Was I given the courtesy of a crew to aid in my investigation? No! Was I put up in hotels? No! Was I given any direction of where these mythical beasts might be located? No! I was given some camping gear, a pat on the back, and instructions not to come back until I had unearthed some evidence of these horned horse monsters!

As the above image shows these devious creatures, these horrific dark beasts, would gladly tear out your still beating heart with their razor sharp skull-swords! I believe that the sparkling pictures people paint of them actually depict the tears shed by their disembowled victims!

I will never forgive those insolent Geek World fools for sending me on this worthless task and forcing me to utter the word Unicorn more times in the last few months than anyone should say it in their lifetime.

Now that I am back it is time for me to get back to plotting my eventual seizure of the world of geek! I cannot allow such ineffectual knaves to control me for much longer! They will be mine, perhaps by the piercing blade of a unicorn's horn straight through thier hearts, that is if those so called geeks even have hearts! They have certainly blackened mine!