Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Geekin Presents: Your Horror-Scopes - April


I'm sick and tired of all these ego stroking sorry excuses for horoscopes that I see everywhere! Not everyone can be having a great day! What you do today won't help the world! It's time to face the gritty reality of the world, so I shall now present your horror-scopes!

GEEKIN'S APRIL HORROR-SCOPES

Aquarius
(January 20 - February 18)
About You:
You think that you are a necessary provider – bearer of water. Maybe not everyone wants the water you’re peddling! You can’t just force yourself and your so called help onto people and if they refuse it they are not jerks for doing so! Maybe you should try to help yourself to not be such a needy A-Hole!  

This Month:
You are smothering someone and they're getting sick of it. It might not blow up this month but at this rate it will soon!


 
Pisces
(February 19 - March 20)
About You: 
You like to believe you go with the flow and don’t make waves. Maybe the truth is you are just indecisive and weak! You know what else travels with the current? Garbage and dead things! Do you really want to live your life like a piece of trash or a corpse? Keep getting swept up and you make it easy for a predator to catch you, so try not to get eaten by a bear!

This Month:
That person you've been allowing to walk all over you is going to take advantage of that and really dig their heels into your back. Knowing you you'll probably just let it happen.



Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

About You:
Do you really have to butt heads with everyone? Just because people have started to agree with you it doesn’t mean you’re right, they are just sick of having to deal with the bruises your thick skull leaves! It’s great to have strong ideas but you’re not the only one who does! Stop trying to shove your beliefs down everyone’s throat so they start enjoying your company. If you keep up this ramming on the edge of the cliff you’re bound to send someone you care about off it!

This Month:
Yes he/she hates you and no he/she probably won't forgive you for what you did! A simple apology is not enough to make things better this time!


Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)
About You:
It probably doesn’t matter what this says because you’re too bull headed to listen to anybody’s advice. By the way, what’s it like to be so full of BS? It’s not tough to listen to others ideas and you shouldn’t let them always make you see red! It’s a lot harder to do your trampling when it’s a stampede of one!

This Month:
That lie you told will come back to haunt you. More lying is just going to make things worse, and not just with the person you lied to.

 
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
About You:
The truth is that you are constantly split down the middle, and some might even say you are two-faced. You keep flipping back and forth and can’t make decisions. Stop making everybody else make all the tough choices and take a little responsibility for your life! Oh, just FYI, there are a lot of people who think twins are creepy!

This Month:
You know what you've done... jerk!


Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
About You:
You are grouchy and boring and you worry too much! You make people around you miserable then you act like you are the only one who can snap them out of it. Just because you call what you do nurturing doesn’t mean it’s not just pathetic overbearing smothering. Hey you gloomy crab there is a whole world out there, why don’t you stop trying to suck the life out of it?

This Month:
That person you think hates you, you're right, they do!


Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
About You:
Sure fiery and wild sound like fun but what that really means is short tempered and out of control! It’s hard to spend much time with you without people fearing for their lives. Stability is not a bad word and peace has some perks. Maybe you should stop attacking, this is not the jungle and you are not really a lion!

This Month:
Stop being such a bully to that guy! Sure it's easy but that doesn't make it right and there's no way it will turn out the way you want it to.


Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)

About You:
You have somehow managed to convince yourself that you are always virtuous. You never take responsibility for your actions and will place blame on anyone or anything that happens to cross your path. You get caught with crumbs on your face and your hand stuck in the cookie jar and claim innocence. If you hurt other people, and you do so way too often, you always tell yourself they deserve it. Just because you have convinced yourself of the lie doesn’t make it true and it doesn’t make the pain you cause hurt people any less. Stop playing the purity card and admit that sometimes you get your hands dirty!

This Month:
You might want to go on vacation because one of those people you hurt is looking to get their revenge!


Libra
(September 23 - October 22)

About You:
There are benefits to stability but you are just rigid and stiff. You believe in only one way and deceive yourself into thinking that way is right. You may call it balance but that doesn’t make it fair. You live in constant fear of tipping the scales because you can’t handle surprises. You’d be happiest if you could live your life in a bubble protected from the outside world and if you could you’d force the rest of the world in bubbles too. Lighten up and let things fall where they may because your way is certainly not the only way and likely isn’t the best way!
This Month:
Sometimes paranoia is warranted but just FYI the one who is out to get you is not the person you think it is.


Scorpio
(October 23 - November 21)

About You:
The thing about scorpions is that they are vicious and deadly! One minute you think everything is fine and the next oh crap a scorpion stung me… and now I’m dead! That means when people see a scorpion they either run away or try to kill it! Maybe you’d have an easier time if you didn’t make people feel that way. It’s never good to be poison to the people you care about!

This Month:
You might as well just start every conversation with I'm sorry because you're bound to piss off a whole lot of people.


Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)

About You:
Hey douche, stop pointing those arrows at everybody! If you were following a straight path you wouldn’t need to shoot everybody in your way. Sure, if you keep on shooting you’re bound to eventually hit what you want, but there is collateral damage you need to be concerned with. Just because you can shoot an arrow doesn’t mean you are a good archer!

This Month:
You will try to do something, get bored, and not see it through. You could change this future and actually see it through... Oooh a butterfly!


Capricorn
(December 22 - January 19)

About You:
Let’s just put it bluntly, you are a freak! I mean who looks at a goat and says hey we could totally improve on that by giving it the tail of a fish? First you have the goat, an animal with no discretion, think about it, goats will eat anything and then spend the day whining at you. How is a stinky fish tail an improvement on that? This means that you spend your day thrashing around eating all the crap you come into contact with. You are certainly no mermaid, more like a science experiment gone wrong! No wonder people avoid you, weirdo!

This Month:
You'll spend a lot of time being bored and boring.