Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I Hate Music!

I'm not the kind of guy to take a stand on things that do not directly impact me. Usually I am happy just to sit in my dungeon and plot my overthrow of Geek World, but recently I found a reason to speak out! I have been bitch slapped into reality and jarred into the realization that TV morning shows are out to get us. At first I just thought that they were so out of touch, that their so-called "reporters" and "researchers" didn't understand what their jobs were and should be stripped of those undeserved titles, that there was so little integrity in media these days, that they were unintentionally helping to encourage hostility among youth and helping to drive the general public insane! I believed that the mainstream media was so out of touch that in their pathetic attempt to keep up with blog culture they displayed a complete misunderstanding of what YouTube views and iTunes downloads really mean. But then it hit me, perhaps there is something much darker at work here. Perhaps this is not just a bunch of old dudes fearful of losing their jobs to the recently pop-culturally informed whipper-snappers and wanting so badly to find some sort of metaphorical fountain of youth that they fill morning television with brainless banter about things they don't understand. Maybe it's all part of a greater scheme, they seek to make us all dumber so that we will stop trying to keep up with things like technological trends and social media experiences.

There is a horror of epic proportions that invaded the internet last week. It is a video for a horrible "song" called "Friday" by a possibly sweet but utterly untalented and dilusional girl named Rebecca Black. Normally I would have thought this to be an attack thrust upon me by AnnaMay and Dave but I came to find out that even beasts like them are affected by this cancer. I came to recognize that this Rebecca Black thing is likely not even a real girl but a defective robot a la Vicky from Small Wonder sent on a mission to destroy us but unable to complete said mission because every time she says the word "fun" her circuits short out and she is sent into a loop! Every thing about this situation is disturbing and knowing that I may have to join forces with the geeky duo to take down this menace sends shivers up my spine. In fact I must now do something I never thought I'd do and agree with Geek World's AnnaMay, this is not Rebecca Black's "Friday" it's Rebecca "Black Friday"! I will allow you all to feel the pain:



I'll let you take a minute to deal with the emotional ramifications of what you just watched...

OK, now that you've had some time to recover let's talk about this "music" video that we all wish had just been a parody. First off the lyrics are an epic FAIL and would be for anyone of any age! Why is she just listing off what she does in the morning? Why did the video have to point out the improper grammar? We we we we we so NOT excited! This must be part of the plan to make us all dumber by encouraging us not to speak proper English. It's not like we're is a one syllable word, oh wait it is! Also isn't it kind of bitchy of her to force one of her friends who is already riding in the car to move so little princess Rebecca can have whatever spot she wants? And what is up with the creepy pedo-like guy driving down the road rapping out the window to young teenage girls about partyin? Hey parents, if you've ever wondered about the dangers your children face I'm pretty sure guys like this are one of them, that and the autotuned robot singing and keeping you mesmerized while your brain cells are attacked and slaughtered. I'm sure there are plenty of other questions we can ask but this post is not about the silly musings of an unexceptional young girl.

So let's talk about sad TV shows like Good Morning America that treat this girl like she is the next music superstar in their plot to ensure that your brains turn to an oatmeal like mush so you will be little more than a drooling mess forced to stay tuned in because you no longer have enough brain power to remember how to change the channel. Rebecca Black's quick rise to fame can best be equated to the likes of Star Wars Kid, the Numa Numa Guy or the Dramatic Prairie Dog! Do we talk about those YouTube sensations like they should be given a movie deal? No, of course not, because everybody realized that we were watching these to mock them, they made us laugh, we watched them over and over but we all knew what made their videos hits was not displays of talent. On the other hand these videos were truly entertaining and would probably not have had the same mind-numbing effect as "Friday" thus could not be used in the media industry's nefarious plot.

It's disturbing that the "reporters" working for GMA couldn't be bothered to take even a moment to read the comments people were making about the video before treating her like a bona fide talent. They tried to convince the audience that she deserved the fame. They tried to make watchers believe that anybody posting negative reviews were nothing more than bullies (not just the people who watched the video and became so incensed that they lamented their wishes for pain to come to the singer but everyone who could possibly think that she lacked talent). There was no critical look at the work, sure she's 13 but that doesn't mean we should just accept drivel and not feel free to critique it for the trash it is. This is just further proof that the plan to destroy our brains has been put into action. When it comes to shows like GMA they may not officially be news but they still have a responsibility to their viewers to present things like "Friday" in the proper context. If they were not prepared to treat the young "singer" like the joke that the entire internet world knew she was they should not have had her as a guest on the show. Of course if they had admitted the truth about her and her music then people may have started to suspect the darker motives that were at play. Viewers may have started to realize that GMA wants us to keep watching this so that we are too stupid to function.

There are a few people that post comments defending the young singer but the defense tends to be limited to things like 'I saw here on GMA and she was able to hold a tune'. Unfortunately this just proves that there is no defense for this song. I am disappointed in all those "news" outlets that are so out of touch they don't understand the difference between a video finding popularity because the star is a true talent and a video featuring somebody who is nothing more than a joke! Fodder for people to mock and laugh at and pay attention to for a few moments and gladly forget about a week later, but you monsters that try and pass yourself off as respectable sources of news and entertainment want us to believe that this should be taken seriously because you couldn't be bothered to read the comments posted below the video. Or at least to have recognized the obvious plot to melt our minds. I am angry that you are allowing this travesty to continue. It would have only taken you a moment to realize that "Friday" was being watched and re-watched and passed along not because people are so excited for some hot new recording artist but instead the audience was confounded that this video was ever made and some were even angry that there was a place showcasing garbage when there are plenty of poor artists with real talent out there that can't afford to have their work produced. I am making sure the truth gets out there and that people know what you are trying to do. This conspiracy to control us by turning us all into mindless drones will not be successful! I will make sure of it even if that means using my powers to work with the disgusting slime known as Geek World to keep the people of the world safe.

But in the end there will always be some of you out there that will believe the negativity is just haters jealous that they don't have millions of viewers, after all if she has that many hits on YouTube she must actually be talented. So If you think she's worthy sensation then have I got something to show you! Tucker is a talent that surpasses even that of Rebecca Black! Not only does he sing but he plays piano too! Enjoy!